A new hope... and a wish granted.

It has been a month since my last entry. When I read my last entry I really felt sad… till today whenever I thought about him, our love, the last 12 years spent … my heart still aches. Aku redha dengan ape yang telah terjadi… Alhamdulillah, sepanjang 12 tahun mengenali dia, berkawan dgn dia, banyak yang aku belajar dari dia. Satu perkara yang aku respect sangat pada dia ialah kesabaran dia… dia adalah antara orang yang paling sabar aku pernah jumpe dan dari dia jugak la aku belajar bersabar. These past 12 years with him really is an experience and I learnt a lot about life and how to live life.

He was also the one who encourage me to find new friends and now I have a lot of friends and bffs. The 3 bffs that are closest to me and are like my sisters are ratna, fai and maz. I finally told them about him and our problems last 2 weeks on our way back from KL. They already knew about it and they were really supportive of me. They cried with me… I love you girls!!!

A few hours after my last entry I managed to talked to him. he admitted to what I saw in his page. I was so sad that I cried and cried and I think I slept at 3 am. Mata aku jgn cakap la bengkak n sembap esoknye… tapi aku buat bodoh jek kat ofis… kalo org tanye aku cakap la tak leh tido… hmmm…satu hari aku macam zombie… blur semacam satu hari… dan takde selera nak makan pun dari sabtu tuh.

Walaupun aku kata aku tak nak cakap dgn bff aku, tapi still aku tepon gak die ari isnin tuh… die dengar suara aku jek dia dah tau something wrong… tapi aku tak cakap la kenapa lagi… aku Cuma cakap yg kalo aku cite nanti aku nangis… so die pun tak nak aku nangis… die layankan aku and made me laugh… die kate sorry malam tuh die bukan tak nak angkat tpn aku tapi masa tu makcik die sakit ke kat spital gitu ar… ala biar la ape2 pun…

Malam aku ingat nak dok umah tido jek tapi kalo dah cem zombie tuh cane nak tido… aku kuar dengan rat, maz n fai… they made me forgot all my troubles… I laughed so much… I really needed someone to make me laugh and rat really can me laugh so hard… till my jaw hurts.

I kinda went through the week like nothing happened between me and him. we chatted almost everyday and I did say that I want to move on and he did say that he will teach my how to ngorat a guy when he comes back. I asked him why… he said that if that will makes me happy then he will let me go and be happy for me.

On Thursday, lepas balik kerja aku ternampak kelibat seseorang yang aku dah lame tak jumpe kat bawah blok. Die lalu… sekali tgk cara die jalan aku dah kenal dia… masa aku turun kete nak naek lift tu aku macam tak nak terserempak dengan dia… nak mengelak dari dia… aku pun tak tau kenapa… tapi malam tuh aku sengaja hantar baju pegi dobi… tak tau nape nak jumpe dia… padahal siang tadi mengelak… heee… tapi dia takde kat dobi… dah balik umah kot… huhuhu…

Esoknye ingat nak amek dobi petang tapi tak Nampak kete die… so tak amek la baju… hehehe… and on Saturday, this was on the 9^th, I went to angsana to buy amar’s text book and who did I saw coming out of angsana with a girl… him… I saw him… but I did not look at him and just went past them. I assumed he was with his gf. When I was on my way out I went to buy popiah for ibu, I saw him at the exit alone but I ignored him again… then after paying I thought he would have left but he was still standing there looking at me… I didn’t know what to say… so we just said hi and asked what he’s doing there… then I left and said see you around… while I was coming out of the car park I saw him with the girl…

On Monday, 11/01/2010, while parking my car I saw his car parked and I purposely went to pick up my laundry… hehehe knowing that he’s there…and he was there… we chatted for a while and he asked for my number. He said that he lost my number. So I gave him my number and I told him that I lost my phone too and he gave his new number. I didn’t think that he would text me or anything but while I was dozing off, I got a text from him… we text casually and then he asked me when I want to date him… I was kinda shocked but took it as a friendly gesture… so I said why don’t we go out tonite… asked him to hang out with my friends but he said he’s shy and need to wait for the dobi to close up. We decided to go out at 10 and lepak somewhere. So I picked him up at 10 something and we went to singgah selalu.

Lepak sampai kul 1… tu pun cem tak nak balik… byk gak ar borak dengan die… heee…. Pas balik tuh… sambung lak dengan sms… adoi… kat kul 2 lebih gak ar tido… suka borak dgn dia… best… die kelakar. Die kate die nak kena balik shah alam ari rabu….isk… then esoknye pagi text lagi dengan dia… die ni mulut manis betol… pandai betol la mengayat… isk.. kalo tak berhati2 mmg bole cair… I kept telling myself that… I like being friends with him… talking to him … on Tuesday evening I managed to asked him to drive me to taman molek… heee… I bought a bb.. heeee… so he drove me to celcom tmn molek after work and we hang out at simple after that. It was easy talking to him… and he was the one doing the talking mostly… he made me forgot about the other guy… totally when I was with him… but then again, we’re only friends… we text after that everyday…

Then on Friday night me, rat and maz went to KL to watch fai play futsal. I wanted to watch emi too actually, he played keeper for the bank. On Saturday me and him went out. Waited for him till 11pm. And so there was no where to go, and I wanted to watch football, so we went to Asia café at 15. He was really accommodating and he looked bored when I was watching the game. Rasa serba salah gak ar… tapi tunggu gak sampai abis game… lepas tu kitorang pegi shah alam seksyen 24. Die kate kat situ cem downtown gak ar… hmm.. then after that die ajak minum lagi… heee… die cem tak nak bagi balik… hehehe… die sik tanye nak balik ker… org cakap tak kisah… ikut jek mane die nak bawak….so kitorang pegi minum… and this was when he asked me who the guy he saw me with at my block. He asked me why am I still not married to him if it has been going on for 12 years. So I told him the short version of it… he looked really disturbed… muka die nmpk tak puas hati.. anyone yang dengar cerita aku akan jadi tak puas hati nye… hmm… biar la kan… pas minum tu kitorang balik…

Esoknye Sunday, pegi tgk fai maen tapi sampai quarter final jek… tapi emi pegi sampai final… so I waited for his final game. Just to cheer him and I want him to know that I’m there for him and I know he’s happy that I’m there… heee… cause he did try to give me air and cari food for me while I was there…. Heee….

Sunday night he asked me out for a movie and rat, maz n fai dropped us at pyramid. We watched the spy next door… heeee… I didn’t eat the whole day, so I bought the fries with sour cream and we ate. I was holding the fries and eating, then I wanted to show him a picture, so he hold the fries for me… and each time I wanted to eat he would hold the fries closer to me and he opened the canned drink and hold the drink for me too… iskk.. bila nak abis tuh die suapkan fries tuhhhh… adoiii… mane la aku tak cair… isk die nih…. The movie was funny… half way through the movie he hold my hand, and kissed it… after movie we walked to the mamak… and skarang dah pegang tangan… jalan mane pun sik pegang tangan jek arr… heeee… masa balik tu rasa cem tak nak balik tapi dah kantoi menguap… so die antar la balik… nak balik tuh die kiss my hand again and again. Heee… sweetttt…takot tu ada gak ar… ye la… baru 4 kali tuh kuar dengan dia… iskk…he’s like a dream… everything I have ever wanted in a guy… he told me about himself a lot…

Monday tu pagi die kate nak gi breakfast at 6 … pasal die ada kelas kul 8… tapi die pun tak bangun… we checked out at 11… he called me at 10 but I didn’t call him back… huhu.. so before balik tuh tak jumpe pun die…L… tapi takpe… ari rabu aku pegi KL… yeah.. jumpe die lagi… hehehe…

I called him on Monday night and Tuesday nite… lame gak ar bergayut… lame… hehehe…die tu kelaka sgt… suka sgt sakat org…and he is so cuteee… comeii sangat kalo die sakat org tuh… dengan muka2 die sakat org… we talked a lot … he told me a lot of stuff… heee… next entry… would be my working trip to KL for 3 days two nights and weekend break spent with him…

the sad part was, i already told mk that i would be going to KL that week... but he forgot about it... the good part was ez made me totally forgot about my sadness and worries. he made me happy!

it's like a rerun of last year's painful and heartbreaking episode of my life

Aku macam ada terasa sesuatu yang tak kena… baru2 ni aku kerap tgk page dia, aku tak tau kenapa… den ari jumaat ari tuh aku terjumpe satu post congratulations… bkn satu tapi 2… hati aku berkata… kenapa ye ada org congratulate dia… aku tanye dia… die menidakkan sangkaan aku… dia kata pasal benda laen… ape benda laen yang bole buat org congratulate kita ye… tapi aku buat bodoh lagi…

Malam jumaat aku online dan aku tergerak untuk tgk page dia lagi… hmm… aku dah dapat jawapan yang utk soalan aku… aku terus jadi blur… tak bole nak piker apa… otak terus blank… aku nak nangis… tak bole… aku kat rumah orang… air mata aku dah nak mengalir tapi aku tahankan juga… hati aku meraung… hati aku menangis… aku terus blur…

It happened again… I text my bff but dia tak reply… terasa diri ini sendiri…aku confuse… tapi aku patot bersyukur pada Allah.. aku yang mintak kat Dia petunjuk kalo betul la dia dijadikan utk aku atau bukan dijadikan utk aku… aku sepatutnya dah tau arah mana patut aku ikuti… hati ini menangis… kenapa aku masih menangisi dia… hati aku sakit…

Dia tengah nak buat aku benci pada dia…patot ker aku benci pada dia… atau patut ker dia benci pada aku? How can two people in love for more than 12 years hate each other… how can I hate the one person that have been in my head 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week and 365 days in a year… times that by 12. Not a second or minute or day passed that he is not in my mind. I breathe him…

Finally today I cried… I was flicking through the channels and one tree hill is on at 8tv. Lucas and peyton are getting married… finally after all that happened between them.. on and off and on again and off again… and on again… my tears finally dropped when haley said that lucas said once peyton sawyer will be peyton scott and lucas has been in loved with peyton since the first time he saw peyton. L it reminded me of our love story… how will the ending be like…

After a no reply from my bff I pledged that I will not call dia anymore and will not answer dia punya call.. biar la… no use of dia jadi bff aku pun kalo dia takde time aku need dia.. hmm… will try my best to ignore dia… barang dia kirim pun takde.. tak payah jumpe… kalo ada pun aku nak kirim kat org suh bagi kat dia…hmm… not try to ignore but will ignore.

Hati aku masih menangis… masih tak tenteram… masih rungsing… masih tak keruan… kalo betul la tak betul apa yang aku pikirkan… kenapa dia masih mengelak dari bercakap dgn aku ataupun mengelak dari berjumpe dengan aku… aku sms dia tak reply… aku msg kat ym dia tak reply.. aku tpn dia tak angkat… selalunya kalo response die cem nih… sangkaan aku selalunye betul…

Aku terpikir untuk lari dari semuanya… tapi aku tak sanggup tinggalkan kawan2 aku hanya kerana dia… aku terpikir untuk ikut jejak langkah atie… keje die travel all over…and aku dah tanye dah dia .. malangnye takde opening… hmm… takpe lah… cuba aje mane tau ada rezeki… if there’s a will there’s always a way… I love my friends… my bffs… hmm… my family… hmm… ibu… hmm…

Ari sabtu ari tuh cem ape jek… i just stayed at along’s house… tak kuar pegi mane2 pun… mendiamkan diri… terasa bersalah pulak kat ibu… maafkan adik, ibu… adik tau ibu tak suka adik kawan dengan dia… tapi adik sayang dia…terlalu sayang…

i want to belong

hati ini menangis... nobody knows my heart is crying silently... i am trying to move on... live my life without him... i have started to stop thinking about him but then when i opened back the lid that i have closed from thinking, my heart aches for him...


i heart adam hassan a.k.a Remy Ishak


Takde masa ke malas ye...

It has been a long time since I last blogged. A lot has been happening, last Saturday, I watched a movie in HBO and it was about writing… so I thought to myself… I should start blogging again… even if no one else read it… I for sure will read it…
It has been 5 months since my last entry… I did blogged about my bff planning to get married… one of my bff… the one which only a few people knows. Well… my bff is married now… happy for both of them but a bit sad because I’m kinda losing a friend. Tak nak la cakap omputih… cakap melayu la pulak… hmm… dah sebulan dah dia kawen… memang takde benda yg berubah ar… tapi ada limited sket la communication dengan dia… time ofis hour jek leh cakap dgn dia… tu pun kalo dia tak cuti la… tak pe la… die happy so orang pun happy gak… Cuma sedey pasal die nye spouse tak leh nak accept yg org kawan dgn dia… hmm… nanti la cite…
Org dah ada hobby baru… hehehe… org beli sony a200… baru nak blajar ni guna manual and at the same time blajar editing…uih… susah giler edit gambar… and bukan senang nak amik gambar nih… isk.. lagi pulak kalo guna manual mode… hmm… lagi la susah… tapi takpe… belajar dan belajar… sebab macam best gitu…tapi memang best pun… Cuma kadang2 takde mood…kena ada mood gak amek gambar nih.. isk… sbb kadang2 malas nak bawak kamera…

Hari tu jumpe achik online kat fb, we chatted…. Rindu kat dia… die cite yang ada sekali die chat dengan aza and die innocently with the thought that aza already knew about it, told aza that I secretly admired him. Aza was shocked to hear it as he did not know about it and he laughed about it. I told leana about it and leana also thought that aza already knew I liked him. His name is azarudin. I had a crush on him for 2 whole years in mrsm. Now he is married and bald…. I have to mention it. He still looked the same with his dimple only without the hair and he is still short… hahahahaha…also he has a nice voice. Leana said that she wondered how did aza become one of my secret crush as all this while all the guys that I like look like Chinese… I don’t know la me with sepet eyes… attracted to it and also the bad boy look.